


If You Survive

by Seistira



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Dark, Dark Magic, Death Eater Attacks, Death Eaters, Drinking, Torture, Young Severus Snape, a collection of snape's life, i tried to explore the real snape as much as possible, let's do thissss, the snape that is not a hero, the snape who is not good but can still be a beloved character, the snape who made bad choices, writing prompts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22640086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seistira/pseuds/Seistira
Summary: A collection of short stories revolving around Severus Snape's time as a teenager and his gradual but inevitable choice to join Voldemort's side. Some stories will take place during Snape's time as a student and others after he has already received the Dark Mark. Mostly inspired by prompts given by tumblr's RPG group "If You Survive" back in 2013.
Kudos: 6





	1. Sectumsempra

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to visit where this all began, you can find alongcameasnape on tumblr. I nearly forgot my URL and had wanted to go back and read something in particular. I finally figured it out and thought it would be a shame if my account were deleted for some reason (I don't know the log in anymore) or if I forgot the URL again, so I am now posting some of my work here.
> 
> Everything posted is 100% my writing, I will not include collaborations without permission from the authors I'd written with. Everything posted focuses on Severus Snape's time either at Hogwarts as a student and a budding Death Eater or after he's already received the Mark, therefore a lot of the content will be dark. 
> 
> Today's prompt: Diary: Never Have I Ever… [Tried to KIll Someone]
> 
> Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you would like to visit where this all began, you can check out [alongcameasnape](https://alongcameasnape.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. I nearly forgot my URL and had wanted to go back and read something in particular. I finally figured it out and thought it would be a shame if my account were deleted for some reason (I don't know the log in anymore) or if I forgot the URL again, so I am now posting some of my work here.
> 
> Everything posted is 100% my writing, I will not include collaborations without permission from the authors I'd written with. Everything posted focuses on Severus Snape's time either at Hogwarts as a student and a budding Death Eater or after he's already received the Mark, therefore a lot of the content will be dark.
> 
> Today's prompt: Diary: Never Have I Ever… [Tried to Kill Someone]
> 
> Enjoy!

Dearest Bleak Future of Mine,

I nearly killed someone today. In fact, I very well could have. A more precise swish or sharper flick of the wrist and there’s no telling…

Let me back up. I’m a mess over here. I doubt I’ll even be able to read this drivel if I ever come back to it, my hand is shaking so much. It’s really too much to think about. It’s thrilling and frightening. And too much to sort.

It all started around Halloween, really. A solid five weeks ago, I’d say. That was the week Lucius, upon my own request, met me at the Hog’s Head with the copy of _The Darkest Taboo_ that he’d bragged about obtaining from the Black family. It’s a nifty text filled with the different kinds and uses of Dark Magic, but more interestingly enough, ways to make your own. Yes. Make your own spells.

Not everyone is clever enough to think of it, but honestly, every spell that’s cast was thought up and made by someone. Between incantation, specified wrist and wand movement, and intent, given the right combination you could manage just about anything given practice and power. Even something as potent as a Killing Curse.

The book is well known to anyone fascinated with the Dark Arts, of course. I could’ve easily purchased it myself down Knockturn Alley except with… well, with my Mother gone, I’ve had to go about Owl Parcels to purchase what little I can afford. Needless to say, a book on Dark Magic was unfortunately not on the top of my priority list, especially without means to get to the actual shop.

But to get more to the point. I’ve been experimenting and tweaking spells (and Potions, as I have been since Third Year), trying to see what I can accomplish and get out of it. I’ve managed to come up with a few mild spells but the one I’ve really been struggling with is a more… let’s say _damaging_ spell. What with the Marauders’ charade in nearly killing me last year, I daresay I need it. And sod any other explanation someone might demand of me. It’s good enough reason.

 _Sectumsempra_. It’s a cutting spell designed for those bloody fools, should I ever find myself face to face with a _monster_ again. Let Black try to kill me a second time and see where that gets him. Five weeks I’ve worked on perfecting this. Using it against inanimate objects, while you would think would be easier, is actually proven (according to this book) to be counterproductive. Point is, depending on what you want your curse’s main target to be, practicing the curse should be consistent to what it is designated for. After all, _Reducto_ doesn’t work quite the same way on a person as it does to inanimate objects. A bit more power and a stronger flick of the wrist is needed. A different intent. One becomes so used to using it against immovable objects that when it’s used to hit a person, you find it doesn’t have quite the same effect. Most spells are designed for either one or the other, with a few rare exceptions.

I get moments to practice on insects and even a few of Kettleburn’s flobberworms (he suspects someone of Slytherin, but hasn’t confirmed who) but really, besides chopping butterflies in half, I believed it really hadn’t been a success. Until tonight.

A really choppy explanation, that is. I’m still quite frazzled and my life is over if _Obliviate_ didn’t quite work. I was ambushed earlier by… alright, _one_ sodding 7th Year Gryffindor. Only a year older than myself and alone, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was at a bit of a disadvantage. He was quite a bit more experienced in curses than I, and while the Marauders have backed off quite a bit since… my falling out with Lily… and last year’s incident, that doesn’t stop the others from having a go. It was the perfect opportunity to try out what should’ve been a warning slash, right?

I’ve never seen a student bleed so much in my life, not even while Lily and I used to help in the Infirmary for extra points. It was the first time I’d ever used it on a living person. I’m rather impressed and alarmed at how powerful it turned out to be. I wasn’t expecting… it to cut that much. I suppose intent and anger really played it’s due part in this.

I could be expelled. Wand snapped. In Azkaban. Red, all over his robes, heavy breathing, wide eyes. And despite all that…

I felt _satisfaction_. Satisfaction because… Merlin. I’d shown him.

I bloody showed him, didn’t I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No flobberworms were ACTUALLY maimed in the making of this chapter. :')


	2. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus ponders over the Dark Lord's punishment which he left for his most faithful subject to choose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was inspired after a lovely thread between Severus Snape and Marlene McKinnon wherein Snape (shortly after a Death Eater meeting) saw Marlene out by chance and anonymously attacked her. If you would like to read it, it can be found [here](https://alongcameasnape.tumblr.com/tagged/safe+and+sound/chrono) on tumblr. It does contain violence and Unforgivables! As well as a masked assault. If you do not wish to read it, that is fine, the spoiler alert for this little one-off chapter is that during the encounter, Severus loses his mask because Marlene is an absolute BADASS.
> 
> In "Decisions," Severus ponders over the Dark Lord's punishment which he left for his most faithful subject to choose. There is a mention of drinking in the very last chapter, for those who are not comfortable reading that sort of material, you can skip it.

Severus had been horrified upon hearing that he was to ask a fellow Death Eater to deal out his punishment. As if it wasn’t already embarrassing enough that he needed to be punished at all.

That was just like the Dark Lord, of course.

Severus toiled at home about it for the majority of that evening. He needed to ask someone to punish him, an utterly demeaning blow to his pride. It wasn’t enough just to pick a Death Eater out of the bunch. After all, he couldn’t ask just anybody. Not only that, but there was also the fact that he would not be granted another mask without proving himself in some way to the Dark Lord. How he was supposed to do that during any given task, Severus struggled to know. Was Voldemort expecting him to loyally serve him even without the mask, after all? While the thought that Severus would blindly push forward no matter what was, naturally, desirable with any Death Eater, Severus suspected that it wasn’t what the Dark Lord meant. No… he suspected proving himself would include seeking out a proper punishment.

Like a bloody House Elf.

It was times like these Severus wondered what he was doing with his life. Knowledge. Respect. Power. While he’d felt small hints of all three of these things that he so desperately desired at times, they paled to the sorts of glory he’d imagined when signing up as a Death Eater a little over a year ago. Though in the back of his mind he questioned his decision at times, he never dwelled on it for long, knowing that once he’d made the decision it was a permanent deal.

Now he found himself questioning.

Of course, he could easily reason that he had royally blundered. He was the one who’d sought out Marlene McKinnon on his own. He was the one that had been quite literally backed up against a wall. If he’d been more careful… there were so many things he could’ve done different. There was a moment he’d had the upper hand where he could’ve simply killed Marlene and instead, he’d Crucio’d her. And then foolishly turned away, distracted by pangs in his body.

No matter how many times he replayed it in his head, he couldn’t deny that he was reaping every bit of what he’d sown. The Dark Lord was either being devious or generous by giving Severus the chance to seek punishment out himself. While dealing with the Dark Lord directly was a terrifying thought, he suspected asking someone he favored to torture him would be rather frowned upon. Not that there were many a Death Eater he favored, however. In fact, he was quite positive anyone he asked would carry out the task diligently and without fail.

Still, Severus wasn’t willing to show that weaker side of himself to just anyone. Merlin.

Lucius was out. Severus automatically ruled his friend out, not wanting to have to put him through that or go through that himself, though he respected Lucius more than he did anyone else and found he’d already revealed many a weakness to the older man. Other Death Eaters, such as Evan, Regulus, and Wilkes, were also poor choices. Severus didn’t trust them despite being on the same side and would sooner throw himself under a Muggle vehicle and perish an undignified death than give any of those Death Eaters that sort of satisfaction.

He wanted someone who’d, in a sense, seen him before. Those he counted as people he could trust were naturally scarce and could be named off of the fingers of one hand. Less than five fingers, in fact. And he’d already ruled out Lucius. Narcissa wasn’t a Death Eater.

Bellatrix. Ah, vicious and proud Bellatrix. The idea of asking her to dole out his punishment was as terrifying as it was any of the others… but for an entirely different reason.

Bellatrix wouldn’t show any mercy.

Knowing how the woman seemed to crave the agony of others, it was almost enough to make him change his mind as he’d just barely graced the idea. Why couldn’t he put Lucius through torturing his friend after all? Wasn’t that what ‘friends’ were for?

Severus closed his eyes, weighing his options and the pros and cons.

Merlin, why had he gone after Marlene McKinnon? He never would have in his right state of mind.

It was a game trying to figure out how the Dark Lord was reading this. Wondering just how low he’d have to cower before he returned to Voldemort’s good graces. He wouldn’t fold entirely to anyone. His spirit was too accustomed to whiplashes such as this to be broken entirely, or at least Severus liked to think so. There was no telling how this encounter with Bellatrix Lestrange would turn out.

And he was really going to do it, wasn’t he?

He half wondered why he didn’t just attempt running away before realizing that was a fool’s train of thought. No one wanted to deal with the consequences of their actions, after all. Severus was no different, naturally.

It was settled, though. His mind made up of how to remedy the situation, if it would work at all. Bellatrix was a very celebrated follower of Voldemort’s and she would not fail to perform more than adequately. Severus wasn’t even about to think about it as it would cause him to involuntarily shiver. It would be utterly demeaning… but then, it would be with anyone, would it not? Bellatrix had been inside his mind before just as well as Narcissa had while teaching him Occlumency. He favored Narcissa as a teacher of course, knowing she could trust her fully in the event that she learned something shameful of him. But as awful as Bellatrix could be… Severus shook his head, his pros and cons accounted for. He was beating a dead horse, going back and forth with this one.

He would either do it or he wouldn’t. It really was as simple as that. And Severus had already made his decision.

Walking wearily over to his hutch, he drew out a bottle of bourbon and pulled a glass down from a shelf. As he again sat at the table, he poured himself a straight glass and sipped occasionally from it as he thought long and hard about his life, how he’d gotten to this point, and where he was going from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to read the follow up involving Bellatrix's torture, it can be found [here](https://alongcameasnape.tumblr.com/tagged/pride+and+punishment/chrono). If you choose to read it, there is much torture so don't say I didn't warn you! c:

**Author's Note:**

> No flobberworms were ACTUALLY maimed in the making of this chapter. :')


End file.
